I have recently had to come to the conclusion, finally, that I have rarely, if ever, been loved for who I am, and this goes for my parents and extended family as well. It seems with those I have been closest with, over the years, I have finally come to understand that their “love” for me was solely based on who I would become after their repair work had been completed. And when I resisted their impositions on my psyche/self, their brand of “love,” they were suddenly gone, just like the wind. And as they left, they always let me know how “disappointed in me” they truly were, with parting phrases like, “Your hopeless!” or “I have tried to help you!” They hadn’t tried to love me, they had, instead, tried to help me, so then they could “love” me.
So because of this hard conclusion, I have determined that I am out not-a-thing by being deserted by these people. I need to be, as does everyone else, accepted and loved for who I am, not who I will be after major reconstruction. And if I cannot find this acceptance and love, then I will be much better off alone. Loneliness has its drawbacks, but it doesn’t try to change me, and then leave me behind when it fails. The person I have to learn to live with, most of all, is my self! If the condition for being loved by others means giving up my self, who I am, then I cannot afford their brand of love.
I am not suggesting that I am perfect here, and so not in need of change. I am not perfect and long to change certain aspects about myself. Nor am I saying that a lover or friend can’t approach me about my personal issues. But if their main concern is solely based on how I negatively effect/affect them, and have little or no concern for me as a human being, then I have no need of them in my life. And truthfully, after the pain subsides, I realize I am better off without them, all of them!
But, having said this, I am also guilty of not loving! I was convicted by much of what this wise, young man spoke. In particular, I was convicted by his notion that love should not be based solely on needing or possessing another human being. In looking back, I must admit that I was needy and possessive with those I THOUGHT I loved. I admit that I was fearful of losing them. So I am just as culpable for my loneliness as those I so carelessly hooked my emotional wagon to, over the years.
And so I have had to come to another hard conclusion: I am completely inadequate, when it comes to choosing friends and lovers. I suck, and always have! I guess, in this area, in particular, I never grew up. The good news is, I’m more towards the end than the beginning of life, so I don’t have that much time left to screw up anymore.
Anyway, after all this moaning and groaning, what this young man states is, in my weak estimation, a better definition of love than I ever heard from friends, a wife, family or some holier-than-thou ass-wipe!